Saving Faith
by littlest clouds
Summary: [This story is probably dead, sorry. 123106]
1. Chapter 01: Old Friends

Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me, except for Bethany's daughter.

A/N: This is a repost of "Saving Faith", from my Darth Chelios penname.

Chapter 1: Old Friends

Bethany, ever the watchful mother, studied her daughter as she played outside, on the swing set. She finished rinsing her dishes and put them in the dishwasher, before calling ten-year-old Faith in for dinner.

"Mom, I'm not hungry," Faith complained, as Bethany sat her down at the kitchen table and tied a napkin around her neck. Her mother only snorted, softly.

"I was once ten, believe it or not, and I know you're hungry." Bethany spooned out some peas onto her daughter's plate and cut up her meat for her. Faith pouted.

"I can cut my own food, Mom. I AM ten." The girl took her knife and fork from her mother and began to cut her own food, and Bethany, contented, turned to her own.

Bethany lived a quiet life ever since she saved humanity. Her exploits never saw the light of day, and she didn't really have much of a problem with that. She only wanted a normal life for her daughter Faith. She didn't want any demons, renegade angels or foul-mouthed prophets to be dropping in on the girl as they did to her. 

Faith had Bethany's brown hair and eyes, and had her father's spirit. Her father. Bethany laughed at the absurd thought. The girl was obviously too young to know her father was really a woman, and that She was the Creator, THE Creator. Bethany had had various minor romances over the years, but nothing serious. She had bigger things to worry about than men.

"Mom, you're letting your steak get cold," pointed out Faith, her mouth full of food. Bethany smiled at her daughter sadly, and put some steak in her mouth to appease the young girl.

"I know, dear. I was just thinking," Bethany said, softly, her eyes heavy with sadness. Faith knew something was wrong, and pursued her mother.

"About my dad?"

Bethany started. Faith usually NEVER asked about her father. "What makes you think THAT, honey?"

"Girls at school. They call you a slut because I don't have a dad. They say I'm a bastard," Faith whispered, her voice small.

"Honey, you are NOT a bastard," Bethany said, pushing aside her plate. "Your father...well, he's a very complicated person. We couldn't marry when you were born, but we both love you very, very much. Your father will always love you."

"But why doesn't he want to SEE me," asked Faith, leaping out of her seat and coming to her mother's side. "Doesn't he think about me, sometimes?"

"Of COURSE he does," Bethany said, hugging her daughter. "Your father DOES see you. All the time. Only when you don't think he's there."

"Why can't he just come home and see us? Didn't he love YOU, once?" asked Faith, resting her cheek on Bethany's shoulder. "Why didn't he want to marry you?"

"Honey," Bethany sighed, "it isn't as easy as that. We COULDN'T get married. There were many circumstances that kept us apart. But don't ever doubt that your father loved you."

Faith sighed, sadly. "I wish I could see him, Mom." Pulling out of Bethany's arms, the despondent little girl stormed up to her room and slammed her bedroom door. 

***

Bethany knelt down beside her bed and prayed. She hadn't prayed since LONG before Faith's birth. The last time she'd prayed was on the eve of Metatron's first visit. Bethany bowed her head, wiping her tears from her eyes.

"Please, God. I know you can hear me, but my daughter, OUR daughter, needs you. She needs to know she has a father that cares about her, and I don't think she would believe me if I told her that her real father is the woman who created our existence. If you could maybe think something up, I'd be forever grateful." Bethany crossed herself and climbed into bed, punching her pillow and closing her eyes.

"Bethany..."

Bethany opened one eye and leaned over, reaching under her bed for her baseball bat. "Who is it?" she called out. "Metatron?"

"Sorry, I'm not the Metatron," came the voice.

"God?"

"Do I sound like a woman?"

Bethany flipped on the light switch and waved her bat in the air, blindly. A hand closed around the wooden shaft and pulled it from her hand. "Who are you?"

The strange spectre laughed, softly. "I can't believe you don't remember." He removed a burgundy hood from his face and smiled at her.

"Bartleby?!"

***

TBC

Alex


	2. Chapter 02: The Mission

Disclaimer: Again, Kevin owns everything If he wanted to, he could probably own me DON'T SUE!

Chapter 2: The Mission

He smiled at her again, unfurling his massive wingspan. "Like them? They're the latest model," he bragged, stroking the soft white feathers. "I heard your prayer, Bethany."

"So, God let you back into Heaven?" She asked, dumbly, staring gape-mouthed at the former renegade angel who had once tried to kill her. She was still kneeling on her bed, her hair wild and her eyes filled with abject terror. He smirked at her.

"Of course. God forgave my trespasses," he said. "She's a very merciful being." He gazed down upon Bethany, smiling vaguely. "So, what to do about this kid of yours..."

Bethany's shoulders slumped. "She wants to know who her dad is," she muttered.

"I heard," he said, casing his wings. "I'm here on business, and I don't have to be back to Heaven for a bit. I can stick around. And plus, we need you and your daughter for the Mission." 

"Mission? What mission," Bethany exclaimed, staring at Bartleby, her heart seized by panic.

"Loki and me, we need you. A dark angel has risen against the Lord, followed by a loyal bastion of demonic brethren. It is up to the Last Scion to stop them," he said, softly. 

"You mean me," Bethany asked, her voice shaking. She twisted her hands in her lap as she chewed on her bottom lip, anxiously.

"No, I mean Faith. This is her mission. SHE is the Last Scion, Bethany." Bartleby smiled at her, warmly, as he propped himself up on his elbows. "It's up to her to save humanity. You've done your job for us in raising a strong willed daughter. And only then, only after she's saved the world, can she finally see her 'Father'."

"Oh God, Bartleby. She's only ten," Bethany whimpered, shaking her head. "She's just a child. I can't let you take her." 

Bartleby leaned forward and traced her jawline with the back of his hand. "Don't fret, human. Your little girl has many years ahead of her. You must tell her who she is. And who her 'father' is."

"I can't! It would destroy her," Bethany cried, grabbing onto his hand. "Can't you understand? I can't do that to her! She's just a child! I don't want to ruin her life!"

"You won't," he whispered, softly, trying to soothe her. "She's a strong girl, Bethany. Just as her mother is, and her Father is. It's kind of funny, referring to God, who is a woman, as Faith's Father..." 

Bethany allowed herself to smile, slightly, before sinking into an even deeper depression. "She'd never believe a woman could be her father," Bethany said. "If her friends found out, they'd be merciless. You know how kids are."

Bartleby nodded, removing his hand from Bethany's to pat her on the head. "Yes, I do. I know how cruel kids can be. Which is why I'm making this offer."

"What offer?"

"Why don't I pose as Faith's father?" Bartleby shrugged his shoulders.

"But you're an Angel," Bethany said, looking pointedly at his groin. He only laughed, shaking his head at her.

"I don't think that would be a problem, Bethany." Bartleby smirked at her. "Faith wants to know what it would be to have a real father, and I would, believe it or not, want to know how it feels to have a child. Someone dependent on me...other than Loki." He shrugged his shoulders and smiled, trying to win her over. Little by little, Bethany was giving in.

"How is he," asked Bethany.

"Loki's...well, off being Loki," Bartleby said, shrugging his shoulders. "Damned if I know where he is at this moment. Probably in Atlantic City with the Apostle and the prophets, shooting craps."

Bethany rolled her eyes at the mentioning of the prophets. "Are those two still as horny as dogs in heat?"

"Worse." Bartleby said.

"So, tell me about this dark angel. Who is he? What's his deal?" Asked Bethany, laying back in bed and drawing her covers over her chest.

"You mean SHE," Bartleby corrected Bethany. "HER name is Leilita, and she is a danger to the very fabric of life. She is leading her demon brothers against God because she blames God for the loss of her relatives durng the Crusades. Lucifer is assisting her in her war on God, as well as Azrael. You remember him, don't you?" Bartelby smiled.

"Yes... But didn't Bob kill him?" Bethany asked, shaking her head. "This is all so confusing, Bartleby..."

"Bob killed the Host, not Azrael. When his Host's body expired, Azrael's spirit returned to the underworld," explained the angel.

"Why are you trying to HELP God? Didn't you want to ruin everything she created only ten years ago?" Bethany asked.

Bartleby sighed, shrugging his broad shoulders. "Well... I learned a lot in the brief time I spent in Hell. That is definitely NOT a place I want to return to, and I'm going to do everything in my power to assist God in this new battle."

"And you want my Faith to stop this...woman?" asked Bethany, as Bartleby crawled next to her.

"It's her mission," he said, simply, as he cradled her head in his hands. "Only Faith can stop this woman from ruining all that God has created. This is a dark time for humanity, and Faith is the lone beacon of light that can save your people. AND your world."

***

TBC

Alex


	3. Chapter 03: Bartleby Speaks the Truth

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, and that makes me very sad. Don't sue me because that would make me even sadder.

Summary: Everyone's favorite prophets are back! :-p

A/N: The whole idea about Faith's paternity was supposed to lead to Bartleby/Bethany, but I kind of abandoned any pairings later on. Even some Loki/Bartleby slashiness snuck itself in to a couple parts. But this is pretty general stuff.

More A/N: And for you Metatron lovers, don't worry. He'll make an appearance in later parts...

= = = 

Chapter 3: Bartleby Speaks the Truth

"What the SHIT do you think you're doing?! Tubby motherfuckin' bitch!" Jay's shrill voice burst through the air like a missile. Silent Bob glared at his hetero lifemate and pointed to the map in his hand. Jay tried to knock the map out of Silent Bob's hands, but he stepped out of the way. "We don't need no fuckin' map, lunchbox. We're MEN. Men don't need directions." 

Silent Bob simply pointed to Jay's groin and snickered.

"Not funny, asshole. I am 100% man. And I know how to find Bethany's place without that fuckin' map." Jay snapped, glaring at Silent Bob. "Now shut up and follow me."

Bob gave Jay a swift kick to the seat of his pants.

"Just follow me. And it's not my fault we don't have a car. How the hell did I know it was illegal to smoke a joint and drive at the same time?" Jay shrugged his shoulders at Silent Bob, but the rotund, reticent man only rolled his eyes. "Not my problem, you know. Fuckin' cops always tryin' to keep the man down."

Silent Bob laughed.

"It's true," he whined, giving Silent Bob the evil eye. "Anyway, I wouldn't mind seeing Bethany again. She was one fine piece of ass. And I think she really was gonna fuck me before those fuckin' angels ruined everything and killed people and shit."

Silent Bob silently agreed.

"See! You know what I mean," Jay crowed, slapping a high-five with Bob. 

After several hours of walking aimlessly down a highway, Jay's legs grew tired and he began to whine. Silent Bob wanted to throttle the younger man, but restrained himself, for Jay's sake.

"My legs are fuckin' tired," he complained. "Well, aren't you going to say something, you tubby bitch?"

Silent Bob let out a startled puff of smoke. His look seemed to say, 'Who, me?'

"YEAH you, motherfuckin' lardass. It's fuckin' boring talking to myself all the time. Why don't you ever have anything to fuckin' say? Ain't it gonna be cool to see Bethany again? Maybe she'll finally let us fuck her."

Silent Bob grinned, nodding in agreement with his Neanderthal friend.

"See! I knew you'd come around, dude. Snoogins." Jay knocked fists with Silent Bob, who wasn't so silent this time.

Silent Bob pointed to his watch.

"Eh, not much longer. Maybe an hour?" Jay said, shrugging his shoulders, as the two men walked down the shoulder of the highway.

Bob nodded contentedly, as he clamped his lips around his cigarette and drew in to his lungs nicotine, some tar, and smoke. 

The two prophets would have to find Bethany and her kid before Leilita or her slaves did. If Leilita got her hands on Faith, the whole entire world was screwed.

***

"So, I can expect a visit from those two buffoons?" asked Bethany. She and Bartleby were sitting at the kitchen table, drinking some expensive Chardonnay. Well, Bethany was drinking Chardonnay. Bartleby was sipping it into his mouth and spitting it into a Dixie Cup. God still hadn't loosened Her resolve when it came to Angels and alcohol.

"Yeah, they should be here any minute now. I gave them a map and a car, but I don't know what's keeping them..." Bartleby snorted, shrugging his broad shoulders.

"Why didn't you just take them with you," she asked, finishing off her wine.

"Give a man a fish, and he eats but for one day. TEACH a man to fish and he can eat for a lifetime," said the angel, smirking at her. "And plus, I wanted to see you alone, without that moron Jay humping your leg every five seconds." He and Bethany chuckled, and Bartleby reached out, covering her hand with his. To let her know everything would be okay.

"Mom?"

Bethany looked up from their interlocked hands to her daughter, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Bethany quickly slid her hand out from under Bartleby's and jumped up to hug her daughter.

"What is it, honey? Did we wake you?" She asked, as she stroked Faith's long, dark hair.

"Mom, who's that man?" Faith asked, as she wrapped her arms around Bethany's waist. Bartleby smiled at the girl and waved.

"This is a friend of mine," Bethany said, leading Faith to the kitchen table. "His name is Bartle-his name is Bart." She gave Faith a little push. "Go on, say hello to our guest, honey."

"I don't bite," said Bartleby, extending his hand to the girl. Faith accepted his hand and shook it, surprised by his firm yet gentle grip. She looked at her mother.

"What's Bart doing here?"

"Faith Angelica Sloan, don't be rude," Bethany began to scold the girl, but Bartleby stood up, towering over the girl and her mother.

"It's okay, Bethany," he said, beatifically. Bartleby turned to the small, dark-haired girl, grinning at her winningly. "I'm here for you, Faith."

"Why me?" asked the frightened girl, tightening her grip on Bethany's hand.

Bartleby spread out his arms, tilting his head to one side. "I'm someone very special to you."

"Are you my...father?" asked Faith, sneaking a quick peek at her mother's face. Bethany didn't look very pleased, as she tightened her grip on Faith's shoulder.

"Yes," he lied, after a brief pause, holding out his arms to the little girl.

"What took you so long, Dad?!" Asked Faith, running into his arms. "Where have you been for the last ten years?"

"Wandering the earth, looking for you, Faith." Bartleby hugged the girl and set her back on the floor. "I've finally found you."

***

After Faith finally went back to bed, Bethany unleashed her anger on Bartleby. Her eyes flashing, Bethany turned on the angel.

"How could you lie to her like that? You know full well who her Father is!" Bethany cried, in anguish, as she slammed dishes and cups into the sink. She clutched the edge of the counter, closing her eyes. "She thinks you're her father. How could you lie to her? How?"

"In a way, I didn't," he said, simply, still sitting at the kitchen table. He had his feet propped up on the back of a chair, as he lazed idly in her kitchen.

"What do you mean," she asked, snapping her head to Bartleby.

"You know God's a woman, right?" he asked, standing up and stretching out. Bethany nodded, waiting for Bartleby to continue. "Well, I kind of got into the act. You were three months pregnant when I saw you again. I'd all ready been absolved by God, and she let me into Heaven with Loki. We'd come back to earth to visit, to see some old friends. We took the forms of hospital nurses, two older women."

"Bertha and Louise," whispered Bethany, pressing a hand to her abdomen as if in afterthought. "I should have know it was you two. I should have known. How could I have been so stupid?"

"How could you have known? It's not your fault," he said, smiling sadly at her. "Anyway, God had given us permission to look on you. I saw you, and I just couldn't keep out of your life. I knew it was stupid and wrong, but I felt I owed something to the baby, considering I had tried to kill its mother. And anyway, God said it was all right, what I did. She said it was all right."

"Do WHAT," asked Bethany, although she had a pretty good idea of what he was going to confess.

"She let me be Faith's father," he said, plainly, striding over to her and taking her hand in his. "I am Faith's father, Bethany. As odd as it may sound. She has my, well, DNA, I suppose."

Bethany pulled her hand out of Bartleby's grip, lashing out with her tongue. "How does she have your 'DNA'? You're a fucking ANGEL, Bartleby. How did you...did you pull all of this off? And WHY did you do this?" 

"I wanted to be a part of this," he said, waving his hand vaguely. "I wanted to be a part of Faith's mission. Anyway, I've come to bring her back."

"Bring her back where?"

"With me, so that she can stop Leilita from conquering the world. It's her destiny. Of course, you're allowed to tag along." He offered her a roguish smile, but Bethany didn't bite.

"She's MY daughter! The only child I'll ever be able to have! You can't take her from me! What if she dies?! I'll have nothing left! I'll be alone!" Bethany cried, her eyes wide with fear.

"I'll return her to you in one piece," he promised, "but I'd really like you to come along. Rufus and Serendipity are dying to see you, and Loki misses you, too. Come on, Bethany. It'll be fun, catching up with old friends." He slung an arm around her shoulder, loosely, and gave her a little shake. Bethany let out a groan as she shook her head and covered her eyes with her hand.

Bethany shifted her gaze to her feet. "All right, Bartleby. I'll come. Just as long as you promise no harm will come to Faith."

"I promise."

= = =

TBC

Alex


	4. Chapter 04: Crisis of Faith

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, Kevin Smith does. I'm just playing in the View Askewniverse. Also paraphrased some lines from the movie, and I don't own them either.

= = =

Chapter 4: Crisis of Faith

"There it is! Her house! Snoogins! She gots a nice place for a single chick and all." Jay clapped his hands in anticipation. "Come on, you tubby fuck. Quit dawdlin'. It's time to get some ass."

Silent Bob arched an eyebrow.

"Don't look at me like that, you motherfuckin' tub-o'-lard." Jay pressed the doorbell and grinned as the sounds of footsteps sounded. 

"Who is it?" An elderly woman opened the door and peeked out. 

"Bethany?! What happened to your hot body?! You've shriveled! You get sucked through a fucking vacuum cleaner or something?" cried Jay, gaping at the elderly woman.

"My name is Edith, not Bethany," said the old woman, "and this is MY house!" She threw open the door, whipped out a cane, and began beating on Jay with it. "Get away! I'll cry rape!"

"Ah! Bob! Get her offa me!" cried Jay, dropping to the floor and turtling as the old woman continued to beat on him with her wooden cane. "Fuckin' crazy old hag!"

SIlent Bob only laughed.

***

"Well, I know it isn't much," she said, "but you can stay here for the night. I'm assuming we're leaving to find the two prophets in the morning?" Bethany stood in the living room, as Bartleby reclined on the couch. She handed him a blanket and a pillow and stood back.

"Yeah. We're probably going to leave around six in the morning. I'll expect the prophets to be here by then." Bartleby snorted. "I wonder where the hell those morons are..."

Bethany lingered by the doorway, clutching her robe around her. "Thank you for coming back, Bartleby," she whispered, before turning and heading up for her bedroom.

Bartleby lay on the couch, wondering what Loki was up to, or what was keeping the prophets. Finally, after what seemed like hours of tossing and turning, Bartleby got up and stretched his limbs, unfurling his wings and stretching them as well. After sheathing them, he wandered around Bethany's house, and finally, up the stairs.

He gently pushed open Faith's door, and peered at her from the doorframe. Bethany's daughter lay tangled in her sheets, her small face illuminated with pale, silver moonlight. Bartleby smiled at her, warmly, and entered the room, kneeling by her bedside. 

"You've got a long road ahead of you, Last Scion," he whispered into her ear, "but I know you're strong. How could you not be when Bethany's your mother?" Chuckling quietly, Bartleby patted Faith's soft, black hair and wandered down the hall, for Bethany's room.

Bethany murmured in her sleep, as she suffered through some nightmare. Bartleby touched her mind, and saw it was about her ex-husband. Coming over to her bedside, Bartleby put his hand on her forehead and pictured something else for her, something lighter, and happier. Replaced were the images of Bethany's ex-husband and his new wife. Bethany stirred in her sleep and slowly opened her eyes.

"What are you doing here," she asked, her voice thick with sleep.

He smiled at her and sat down on her bed. "I saw your dream," he said, softly, stroking her dark hair. 

"I dreamt about him. He was with his new wife, and they were laughing at me," she replied, nodding. "And then, suddenly, I was standing in a field of gold, holding Faith's hand. We were in Heaven, I think. And God was there. She was smiling at me. She wanted me to come with her, to Heaven. It was a wonderful dream, Bartleby. Thank you."

"No problemo," he intoned, gently brushing his fingers over her soft, downy cheek. "I'm glad I could help, Bethany."

"Lord knows I needed it," she muttered, sliding over in bed so that he could lay next to her. Patting the empty space beside her, she said, "Come on. There's room enough for one more."

Reluctantly, Bartleby joined her as she turned on her TV set, lowering the volume as not to wake Faith. "Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I watch QVC."

"You can thank Lucifer for that indulgence," quipped Bartleby. 

Bethany smiled at him, nestling closer to him. "Do Angels sleep?"

"Not really. We have no need of sleep, although we do, sometimes." Bartleby said, softly. "I sleep, sometimes. Sometimes I eat human food, although I can't digest it. It usually comes back up later on." He flashed Bethany a winning smile.

"Oh God, thanks for the imagery," Bethany sighed, rolling he eyes as Bartleby encircled her in his arms and squeezed her against him. Resting her cheek against his shoulder, Bethany let out a contented sigh and allowed herself to closer her eyes. "I'm so tired," she whispered, smacking her lips. "Good night, Bartleby."

"Good night, Bethany." He whispered, softly, as he gazed down at her. "Good night, sweet dreams."

Bartleby glanced down at the lithe human form in his arms and brushed her hair from her face. He could hardly believe that the first time he'd met her, he'd almost killed her. Almost slashed that pale, delicate throat with the jagged end of a broken beer bottle. Bethany murmured in her sleep and pressed herself against his chest. 

Bartleby instantly recalled their first meeting, on the train. She'd seemed so sad and vulnerable, just as he was. He was just drawn to her.

"When do you think you lost your faith," he'd asked her, as he pretended to drink his beers. Bethany hadn't noticed he was spitting the alcohol into a second glass. She was too drunk.

Bethany's eyes grew watery as she recalled the moment she'd lost her faith, and Bartleby had wanted to hold her, rock her like a father would rock his daughter in his arms. "I remember the exact moment. I was on the phone with my mother, and she was trying to counsel me through this...this thing. And when nothing she was saying was making me feel any better, she said something like "Bethany, God has a plan." And I... just got so angry at her. But I was like "What about my plans?" You know? Like, don't they count for anything? I had planned to grow old with my husband and have a family. Wasn't that plan good enough for God?" After a brief, pained pause, she answered her own question with, "Apparently not." She glanced at him, her dark, marble-like eyes swimming with anguish. "How about you? When did you lose your faith?"

"Oh, a long time ago... One day, God just stopped listening. I kept talking, but I got the distinct impression that He wasn't listening anymore." Bartleby had glanced into her soul, and sensed her pain. He'd wanted to soothe her so badly that time, on the train. It was the first time in a long time that he'd actually felt sympathy for a human being.

"How do you know She was listening in the first place," she'd asked, softly, her voice sounding so small and faraway.

After a long pause, Bartleby finally said, "I guess I don't."

As he looked down at Bethany, as she slept in his arms, and recalled their first meeting, he felt suddenly protective of her. Like he had to keep her out of harm's way. And of course, if he let harm come to Bethany, he'd never hear the end of it.

Leaning in, Bartleby planted a kiss on her cheek. "I'll keep you safe from harm, and your daughter, too." He brushed her hair out of her face and slipped his hand in hers, and willed himself to sleep.

= = =

TBC

Alex


	5. Chapter 05: Lost Prophets

Discaimer: This doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Silent Bob. I mean Kevin Smith.

= = =

Chapter 5: The Lost Prophets

When Bethany awoke, Bartleby was standing by the window, staring out at the street below. He noticed she had awoken and turned, flashing a brief smile at her.

"We've much to do today, Bethany," he said, softly.

"What?" She asked, slipping out of her bed to join his side. She looked down at the street below, and wonder what he had found so fascinating.

"We've got to find the prophets before Leilita and her minion does," Bartleby stated, firmly, slipping an arm around her shoulder. 

"I don't know about this," Bethany murmured, leaning against him. "She's so young, Bartleby. I don't think I can do this without Metatron, or Serendipity, or those fucking prophets. SPEAKING of those prophets, where the hell ARE they?" Bethany asked him. "I thought you said you gave them a car and a map."

"Knowing Jay and Bob, I'd say they were carjacked." Bartleby smirked, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't really know where they are, but I DO know this-they'll be here. You know that quiet guy still carries a torch for you."

Bethany's cheeks reddened and she covered her mouth with a hand. "Oh, please," she said, modestly, glancing demurely up at Bartleby. "Bob would fuck anything with a pulse." He smiled at her. 

"You underestimate the reticent one," Bartleby said. "He quite fancies you. As does his slackjawed companion."

Bethany laughed at him, hitting him on the arm. "Jay? Jay will fuck anything with a pulse, or that once possessed a pulse." She rolled her eyes at Bartleby as she headed for her dresser.

"Well, you're right about THAT one," Bartleby grinned, conceding the point. Bethany grabbed a shirt, a pair of pants and some underclothes, glancing at Bartleby.

"Uhm, would you mind checking on Faith?" she asked, glancing at the clothes in her hands. Bartleby understood.

"Oh, no problemo," he said, softly, smiling at her in understanding. Even though he didn't possess genitalia, human females were uncomfortable undressing in his presence. Shrugging his shoulders, Bartleby headed down the hall to Faith's bedroom and knocked softly on her door before entering. 

"Bart?" asked the girl, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. He nodded, stepping into the room and folding his hands in his lap.

"Yes, Faith. Get dressed. You, your mother and I are going to meet some friends for a mission," he said, patting the girl's unruly black waves.

"Mission?"

"Yes, Faith. A mission. You have a world of work ahead of you." Bartleby heard a rustling behind him and took a quick peek at the door. Bethany stood in the doorframe, watching the two of them with a sliver of a smile on her face.

"Are we ready?" She asked, entering the room. "Come on, honey. Get dressed. We've got to meet some friends of mine." Bethany quickly pulled a sweatshirt over Faith's head and tossed her a pair of jeans and a pair of sneakers. "Come on, Faith. We don't have any time to waste." Bethany hid her teary eyes from her daughter, but the look did not escape Bartleby.

As Faith quickly pulled on her jeans and slipped her feet into her sneakers, Bartleby drew Bethany to his chest in a reassuring gesture.

"Don't cry, Bethany," he whispered in her hair. "It'll be all right. I'll never let Leilita harm you or Faith. I'll die first, again, before I let you or your progeny cease to be."

Bethany nodded, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. "I'm so scared, though. She's just a little girl. I don't want my baby to die young." Bethany rested her cheek on Bartleby's shoulder as he comfortingly stroked her dark hair.

"Don't worry, Bethany. I'll watch over you. It's my job."

***

"Fuckin' old hag bitch," snarled Jay, enraged. "Can't fuckin' believe the stupid bitch beat me with her fuckin' cane! Look! She bruised my beautiful face! Now none of the hot honies will wanna bone me!"

Silent Bob shot Jay a look that said, 'Just SHUT the fuck up, you tool!'

"Make me," Jay snarled, shrugging Bob's hand off of his shoulder. The two wayward prophets stood before the large house, and Jay swallowed nervously. "Do you think THIS one is it? It's pretty much the way Bartleby described it."

Silent Bob shrugged his shoulders in agreement.

"Fuck yeah," Jay muttered, banging his fist on the door. "Bethany! Open the fuck up! It's me, Jay, your knight in shining armor!" 

The door flew open just as Jay raised his fist to bang on the door. "You're a whole day late! What the fuck took you so long?!" Bartleby grabbed Jay and Bob by the collars of their jackets and dragged them into the house, slamming the door shut behind them.

"Whoa, B, what's with all this incognito type shit," asked Jay. "It's not like we was followed by fuckin' demons or somethin'." Jay shrugged off Bartleby and brushed off his jacket. "Where's Bethany? I've come to make with the love." Jay grinned lewdly, humping air, but Bartleby whacked him on the back of his head.

"That's the mother of the Last Scion you're thinking lewdly about, you tool," the angel barked, rolling his eyes at Jay. "She's the mother of YOUR planet's last hope."

"Well, we finally fuckin' made it, no thanks to YOUR stupid ass Yugo or your fucked up map," Jay barked, folding his arms across his chest. "Fuck, we got fuckin' carjacked."

Silent Bob's eyes widened in surprise at the out-and-out lie.

"No you didn't," said Bartleby, calmly. "You overheated the Yugo's radiator. And then you threw away the map because real men don't need maps." Bartleby smiled placidly at the two prophets, raising the corner of his lips into a slight smirk.

"That's not what fuckin' happened, Big Bird," cried Jay, jumping up and down. "We was fuckin' jacked! By two big fuckin' guys with tattoos and shit! And guns! Yeah, Uzis! Two big motherfuckers with Uzis! Biggie over there was hiding in the bushes! There's nothin' more sad than a fuckin' fat man pissin' his fuckin' pants!" Jay gestured to Bob with his thumb.

Silent Bob gave Jay the finger.

"Okay, enough with the fibs, prophet," said Bartleby. "We need you to help us on our mission. A group of demons from the pits of Hell are attempting to end the world, and only Bethany's daughter Faith can save the humans. We need YOU two to lead us to Leilita and her minion of evil."

"Well, if Faith's as stacked as her mom, I'll be happy to help," said Jay, drooling and licking his lips as he rubbed his hands in anticipation.

"You sick fuck! She's ten fuckin' years old," shouted Bartleby, his eyes widening in disgust. Jay turned pale.

"I'm not into no kiddie porn!" Jay cried, backing away from Bartleby. "I, uh, I..."

"Just shut the fuck up," said the angel, glaring at the long haired prophet. "God must have been high when She let you be prophets. Tools." Bethany and Faith came down the stairs, and Bethany smiled when she saw Silent Bob. Rushing over to him, she embraced him.

"Oh, it's so good to see you, Bob! After all these years! How have you been?" She asked, kissing his bearded cheek. 

Silent Bob grinned and shrugged his shoulders as his cheeks flamed.

"And you, Jay? Did you finally get laid?" She asked, quietly, taking the younger man's hand in hers.

"Fuck no! I've been waiting ten fuckin' years to get some bush! And do you know what?! No fuckin' babes in Heaven to get bizzay with!" Jay exclaimed, before spotting Faith hiding behind her mother. His cheeks flushing, he quickly said, "I meant, I am still pure and chaste, Ms. Sloan. Why, hello little girl." He knelt before Faith and patted her on the head.

"Mom, who IS this greaseball?" Faith asked, ducking Jay's hand.

Jay frowned and looked at Bethany. "Didn't you teach your brat kid to respect her fuckin' elders?"

"Don't talk to my daughter like that," Bethany scolded him, drawing Faith in her arms. "I'm not about to let you corrupt her."

"Hell, I'm not out to fuckin' corrupt no little girls," cried Jay, backing away from Faith. "Nice girl you gots, Bethany." He pressed himself against Silent Bob, cowering from the small, dark haired ten year old.

Bartleby snorted. "She's a ten year old KID, Jay. It's not like she's carrying the Plague or something," he snapped, derisively. Turning his glare on to the perverse duo, he spluttered, "I can't believe you two totalled the Yugo..."

= = =

TBC

Alex


	6. Chapter 06: The Crusade

Disclaimer: I really don't own much of anything, least of all the Askewniverse.

- - -

Chapter 6: The Crusade

"So, this evil demon bitch named Leilita is out to destroy the world, and only that kid can stop her," asked Jay, pointing a french fry at a sleeping Faith. He, Silent Bob, Bartleby and Bethany sat in the booth of the commercial burger franchise two blocks from Bethany's house. 

Jay, Bartleby and Faith were squeezed into the booth as Bethany and Silent Bob sat across from them. The little girl was resting her cheek on Jay's shoulder, but he was still weirded out by the funny looking kid.

"Yes, she's out to destroy the world, as I once was," Bartleby replied, softly, his eyes swimming with emotions. 

"Then why'd you fuckin' change your mind?" asked Jay.

"I saw the Light," Bartleby said, simply.

"What's up with all the fuckin' cryptic religious bullshit," Jay asked, shaking his head as he sipped a Diet Coke. "Someone's smokin' a little too much of the weed," he muttered to Silent Bob, out of the side of his mouth. Bartleby slapped Jay upside his head.

"If you didn't all ready know, Angels cannot imbibe alcohol or partake in the thing you call weed," Bartleby snapped irately, giving Jay an elbow in the ribs. He glanced across the table to Silent Bob. "Can I trade you spaces, Big Daddy?" He asked, trying to strike up a camaraderie with the brighter of the two potheads.

Nodding, Silent Bob slipped beside Jay as Bartleby slid next to Bethany.

"So, where do we find the demon bitch," asked Jay.

"I don't know. That's where you two are supposed to come in," said Bartleby.

"I thought you fuckin' Angels saw everything," Jay mumbled, glaring at Bartleby.

"That's the dead, you fuckin' nimrod," Bartleby fired back at the long haired stoner, "and even if that WAS the case, which it's not, I can't watch EVERYbody on this fuckin' planet. I don't have a million eyes, you know."

Bethany sighed, glancing at the sleeping form of her daughter, who was still resting her cheek on an uncomfortable, squirrely Jay's shoulder. "When do we meet up with Rufus and Serendipity?"

"They're waiting for us," said Bartleby. "We'll see them shortly."

"And Loki?" She asked, looking at him.

"Loki won't be joining us," he said, his voice tight. "He backed out."

Jay's eyes widened. "What the fuck do you mean the fuckin' pussy just backed out?! He can't fuckin' back out on our mission! He's supposed to fuckin' help us!"

Bethany sighed, massaging her temples. "I hope this doesn't happen every ten years."

"Loki...had a conflict of faith." The angel smiled, tightly. Bethany could tell he was hurt by Loki's apparent betrayal. "A crisis of faith, if you will," he quicky corrected himself, pushing aside his glass of untouched milk. "We must go alone, without Loki's assistance."

Bethany sighed, resting her head in her arms. She felt Bartleby's hand on her back, but she didn't move. "I'm so tired of this," was all she managed to say. "When will it end?"

"When Good conquers Evil," said the Grigori.

***

"I don't like this."

"I know. You said that about fifteen times before," grumbled the demon Azrael, glaring balefully at the blonde haired former angel. "Just shut up and keep quiet. If you tip them off to us, I'll fucking ram a pitchfork up your ass." 

Loki sighed and ducked behind a menu as Bartleby and his entourage strode by. "I hate lying to him, Azrael. You know he trusts me blindly."

"That's the point," snapped Azrael, giving Loki a kick to the shin. "Your betrayal of Bartleby is crucial to our plot. If you're having second thoughts, it's too late. You signed your contract." Grinning, Azrael pulled a piece of parchment from inside his white sports jacket and waved it before Loki. At the bottom of the page was his name, signed in blood.

"I know. You don't need to be whippin' that thing out every five seconds and waving it under my nose." Loki picked at his hamburger and fries, absently, as they continued to spy on Bartleby, Bethany and the Prophets. "That kid must be the Last Scion, then."

Azrael set down his menu, flashing Loki a dark look. "Duh."

"You know," snapped Loki, "it's a pity you couldn't have taken on a more pleasant Host. I'm gettin' real sick of your sarcastic comments and your overall bullshit." Loki pushed his french fries around on his plate. "And could you have picked a more inconspicuous outfit? You look like a fuckin' pimp. We should just call you Vanilla fuckin' Ice or somethin'..." Loki threw his uneaten hamburger onto his plate and sighed, stretching out his legs.

"They're leaving." Azrael hushed Loki with a wave of his hand and leaned forward, eavesdropping on Bartleby and his modest following. 

"...smells like Azrael...gotta find him before it's too late," Bartleby said.

"Ooh," Azrael grinned, "they're on my trail all ready. Delicious." He rubbed his hands together in glee as a sinister smile spread over his face. 

"Azrael, why is that GOOD? Doesn't that mean they're gonna find you and kick your ass?" Loki asked.

"No, everything's going according to my plan. The pawns have moved into place, and soon, Leilita will have accomplished her mission." 

"How so?" asked Loki.

"By grouping the only people who can save the earth in one faulty Yugo, I've thereby reduced my margin for error. Less do-gooders around to - well - do good means more opportunity for you and I to wreak havoc, my dimwitted little friend." The demon took his white felt fedora off of the coathook and placed it on his head, winking evilly at Loki. Holding out a hand to the former angel, Azrael sneered, "Come along, Angel of Death. It's time to rediscover your old profession."


	7. Chapter 07: The Angel of Death, Revisite...

Disclaimer: If you sue me, I'll countersue on the basis of a fraudulent lawsuit. Or something like that.

A/N: I put a little B/L slashyness in here. Interestingly enough, I don't really see Bartleby/Loki... ::scratches head::

= = =

Chapter 7: The Angel of Death, Revisited

Loki and Azrael sat in a gold Jeep Grand Cherokee with tinted windows, spying into the windows of Bethany's house. Azrael dropped the binoculars into his lap and turned to Loki.

"See that old woman there?" Azrael pointed to an elderly, gray haired woman out watering her garden. Loki nodded. "I want you to smite her."

Loki raised an eyebrow. "Why, Azrael? She's an old woman."

"I don't discriminate. I'm an equal opportunity hater." Azrael grinned at the blonde 'man', evilly.

"But why smiting, and why NOW, Azrael? Aren't we supposed to be INCONSPICUOUS?" snapped Loki.

The demon nodded. "Yes, but wouldn't it be fun? For old time's sake?" He clapped his hands together in glee, beaming at Loki.

Loki eyed the old woman's form, regretfully. "I SUPPOSE so..."

"Well... Is she an innocent?" asked Azrael, grinning widely.

After a few seconds, Loki responded, "No..."

"Then do your job, Loki." A sword of fire suddenly materialized in Azrael's hands and he held it out to Loki. "Here. I made this for you."

Loki turned it over in his hands before eying the old woman. "Okay. I'll do it."

***

"Hello there, ma'am. My name is Luke. Skywalker." 'DAMMIT', cursed Loki inwardly, grinning outwardly at the elderly woman and holding out a hand. "You look like you could use a hand in watering that there garden."

The old woman smiled at him, squinting her eyes. "Luke Skywalker, you say?"

"Yeah, that's my name. Don't wear it out." Loki forced a giggle, holding the sword inside his jacket. "What might your name be?"

"Edith Willams," said she. "Those there are my prize begonias. First prize for three years running." The elderly woman beamed, stepping aside to allow Loki a better view of her withering plants.

"I was just passing through town, Mrs. Williams. And an older woman, such as yourself, shouldn't be outside alone, in the dark. There are many an unsavory character lurking about in these parts of town. Especially recently."

Edith smiled. "Oh, you're such a nice young man. Would you like a cup of coffee?"

Loki grimaced. 'How the hell can I kill this old lady? I mean, she only did ONE bad thing...' He managed a weak smile. "Well, Edith...There's a problem... You see, you were a bad girl a long time ago."

"What?" asked Edith, growing worried.

"In 1943, during World War II, you cheated on your husband while he was stationed in Germany. Fighting for your freedom. Your eldest son Walter was a result of that illicit affair, yet you never told your husband. He went to his death believing Walter was his heir, when in fact, your second son, SEAN, was the true heir. You willingly let a bastard inherit your husband's fortune." 

Edith frowned, squinting at him. "Are you one of those mental hospital escapees?"

"I know everything about you," Loki said, in a booming voice. 'Simple, so simple,' he thought to himself, curling his fingers around the handle of the flaming sword. 'One fluid movement should do the job...'

Edith backed away from Loki, growing frightened. "Get away! I'll cry rape!"

"You're a bad woman, Edith June Williams. Bad women suffer the same consquences, in the end." Loki was getting the hang of it. 'It's like I never quit...'

"I'm old! Don't kill me," Edith cried, beginning to think that maybe the nice, blonde haired young boy wasn't quite so nice. "Step back! I know judo!"

He smiled at the old woman, patronizingly, and that bothered her. "That won't help you now, Edith." Loki cackled as he unsheathed the flaming sword and drew it back, preparing to deliver the death knell.

Old Edith crossed herself. "Holy shit."

"It's too late to pray, old lady." Loki was about to smite the sinner when Azrael poked his head out of the Jeep's window.

"Loki, just forget about her and get in the car. We're running late!" 

Loki glared at Edith. "You got lucky this time, you old bag. But remember, God sees and knows everything! Every transgression! God knows you ran over your neighbor's dog! God knows you shoplifted some Alkaseltzer from your local convenience store! If you're not careful, you could spend your dying days in HELL!"

Edith fell to her knees, clasping her hands together in prayer. "Thank you God, for sparing me!"

"Don't thank God," Loki growled, "thank Azrael. That smarmy fuck." He turned his back on the old woman, tucking the sword underneath his clothing, and darted for the Jeep. Once he was in, he turned on the demon. "Why the fuck did you interrupt me?! I was starting to get the hang of it, Azrael!"

Azrael grinned. "She was an innocent. You've lost your touch."

"An INNOCENT? She can't be an innocent! I saw her transgressions! I searched the old bitch's soul! I know what she did-"

"She fucked another man and gave the family inheritance to the bastard?" asked Azrael, as they pulled out of the driveway. Loki nodded. "You're welcome... Now say thank you."

Loki knotted his brow in confusion. "What?"

"I made that all up! I clouded your mind! I wanted to see how far you'd go for me!" Azrael giggled. "I have utter and complete control over you, Loki! You're my...bitch!" Azrael giggled again.

Loki sat back, glaring at the demon. "Fuckin' prick."

***

"What do you mean Loki's HERE, in Illinois?!" cried Bethany. "Bartleby, I thought you said he dropped out!"

He nodded. "Loki is on the other side, working with whomever is behind this mission, whomever is using Leilita as their key to destroying the world. I'm as certain of that as I am that that Jay fellow's never gonna get laid."

Bethany paced around the kitchen nervously, her arms crossed over her chest. "I can't take this, I really can't. If you and Loki are not trying to lay waste to the world, someone else IS."

He nodded at her, sitting back in his chair, propping up his feet on the kitchen table. "I know, I know. I'm sorry, Bethany. But we've got to take care of him, as well."

"Isn't he your best friend," she asked, sitting beside him at the table. Bartleby winced but nodded, drumming his fingers on the polished surface.

After a few minutes, he said, "Yes. And much more. But that doesn't matter anymore, Bethany. It's not important. We have to find Leilita, find out who's behind this plot to destroy the world, and find Loki."

"His betrayal really hurt you," she murmured, softly. He finally nodded, and she drew his hand into hers, rubbing it. "You love him?"

Bartleby raised a dark eyebrow at her. "What, you think we're gay?"

"Well... It's kind of hard not to think two men who spent a millenia in one another's company didn't /ever/ have homosexual feelings." Bethany smiled at him. 

"I don't have genitalia," he reminded her. "I can't have romantic or sexual feelings for women /or/ men." 

"You still loved him though, if not as a lover, then as a friend, and his turning his back on you hurt." She said, astutely. 

Bartleby's bottom lip quivered at the truth of her words. A nod from the former angel. "He's...he's a special person. But he's lost it. He's really lost it. When God forgave us, we made an oath to protect you... Loki, I guess he joined leagues with this Leilita chick or something. He no longer has God's protection. No one upstairs has been able to locate her whereabouts. It's as if someone's cloaked her."

Bethany dropped his hand and headed for the fridge, leaning her back against it. "I had such a simple life, you know? I raised my daughter as best I could, ALONE, without anyone to help me. I think I did a pretty good job." 

"You did, Beth - " She cut him off.

"And NOW it might all go down the drain! Bartleby, she could DIE! I don't want to lose her!" Bethany cried, shaking her hands. "I don't know what to do!"

Bartleby sighed. "I won't let her die, Bethany. I'll-"

"MOM! HELP!"

Bartleby paused in mid-sentence as Bethany raced for the stairs. "FAITH!"

= = =

TBC

Alex


	8. Chapter 08: The Plot Thickens

Disclaimer: ::checks:: nope this still doesn't belong to me.

= = =

Chapter 8: The Plot Thickens

"Where is she?! Where's my baby?! Where's my little girl?!" Bethany screamed, pouncing on Jay, as he dozed in an armchair, beside Faith's bed. The sheets were on the floor, and there was a stain of blood on the mattress where her daughter had lain. Bethany pummeled Jay with her fists as Bartleby and Silent Bob raced into the room. "WHERE IS SHE, JAY?! HOW COULD YOU LET HER OUT OF YOUR SIGHT?!"

"I dunno," Jay cried, shrilly, trying to fend off her blows. "All I did was close my eyes for a few seconds, and then I don't know what the fuck happened! I heard her scream, but when I opened my eyes, she was gone!"

"I ASKED YOU TO WATCH HER! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HER, JAY!" cried Bethany, clawing at his face with her hands. "WHAT IF LEILITA HAS HER?! IF SHE KILLS MY GIRL, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

"Bethany, Bethany, stop!" Bartleby and Silent Bob grabbed her arms before she could inflict any more damage onto the startled stoner. "You'll fucking kill him!"

"He deserves it! He let my little girl die!" Bethany wailed, tearing away from Bob and Bartleby. "She's going to die because he took a fucking nap!"

"Let's think about this rationally," Bartleby said.

"RATIONALLY?! FUCK RATIONALE! WE HAVE TO FIND HER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" Bethany cried, angrily swiping the tears out of her eyes. "SHE'S ALL I HAVE! IF I LOSE HER, I HAVE NOTHING!"

Bartleby suddenly got an inspired look in his dark eyes, grabbing Silent Bob. "We can call on the Disciple and the Muse! Do you have a cel phone?"

Bob shook his head.

"I do." Jay pulled one out and Bob eyed it, and then his companion. "Whatcha lookin' at me for? I swiped it from that old hag that beat me with her fuckin' cane. Old bitch fuckin' had it comin' to her!"

Bartleby took the phone and dialed up Rufus and Serendipity's motel room.

***

"Rufus, why the hell did you rent a room with only one bed," complained the Muse, putting her hands on her hips. "I am NOT sleeping in that rat infested armchair." 

Rufus raised an eyebrow at her, as he looked up at her from the bed. "Sorry, Dippy. Rats eat dead things."

"Rufus!" Serendipity grabbed the sheets, yanking them off of him. "You're the man! Let me have the bed!"

"Well, you sure as hell ain't no woman," snapped the testy Disciple, as he fluffed the lone pillow. "Go into my jacket. I think my cel's ringing."

Sighing, Serendipity turned from Rufus and began rifling through his clothes before locating the cel phone. "Hello?"

"Serendipity! It's Bartleby! We've got a major problem here!"

"I KNOW," she cried, glancing back at Rufus's sleeping form. "Rufus took the only bed!"

"NO," Bartleby interrupted. "Someone or SOMETHING has stolen Bethany's daughter, the Last Scion! Jay was supposed to be watching her, but fell asleep! We don't have any idea where she is, and the fucking Yugo's for shit. We're gonna need your car."

"Okay, okay, calm down. Do you have any idea who's behind this?" asked Serendipity.

"No." 

Serendipity frowned at the catch in Bartleby's voice. "Bartleby, you're not being truthful with me. What is it? Come on, I need to know everything if you want me to help you."

He sighed. "Loki. Loki might be involved. He's seriously jeopardizing his chance with God right now, I can tell ya that." He faked a nervous laugh.

The Muse grabbed Rufus's sneaker off of the armchair and tossed it at his head. "Come on, Rufus! We're needed!"

"Hnuh? Jesus?" Rufus, mumbled, smacking his lips.

"Bartleby needs us, Rufus! Get your skinny ass out of bed, now!" cried the Muse, as she grabbed up his clothes in her arms and hurled them onto the foot of the bed. She turned her attention back to the cel phone. "Bartleby, we can be there in ten minutes."

He let out a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Serendipity. I'm going to try and find out who else is behind this..."

"I know you love him, but don't let that hinder your quest, okay? Bethany's daughter, and the fate of the world could depend on it." Serendipity bid Bartleby a farewell and tossed the cel phone at Rufus's head, which was still in contact with a pillow. "Come ON, Rufus! Get your ass in gear! Bethany's daughter, the Last Scion, was kidnapped! And Bartleby needs our help!"

Rufus sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Aw shit. That means Jay and Bob are gonna be there?" Serendipity nodded. "I'd rather not." He flopped back into bed.

"Bethany will be there. And I know you liked the quiet guy," Serendipity taunted, as she put on her jacket and picked up the keys to their rented car. "Come on Rufus, you don't want this girl's possible death on your head." She stood at the foot of the bed, as he slowly began to put on his clothes. 

***

"Mom! I want my mommy!" cried Faith, biting at the hands which were restraining her. "MOMMY!"

"Shut up, you little brat!"

"Let me go! I want my mom!" Faith tugged at the arm around her shoulders, but it would not let go. "You're gonna regret this!"

The blonde man looked down at her. "I highly doubt that, you loudmouthed little brat. Now shut up. I won't hurt you... Yet."

Faith tried to bite down on the fleshy part of his forearm, but another hand clamped over her mouth. 

"Seems like someone's getting a little insolent." Hazel eyes flecked with emerald and amber peered into Faith's. "I know many forms of medieval torture, Faith. Would you like to be my experiment?" The hand dropped from Faith's mouth.

"NO! I want my mom!" Faith cried, spitting into her captor's face. The two arms tightened around her shoulder and waist, and Faith struggled to fight her way out of his grip.

"For that, maybe I WILL show you my torture chamber." One long, clawlike fingernail beckoned to Faith and her abductor. "Bring her to my chamber, Loki."

The blonde nodded, blankly. "Yes, Leilita."

A dark haired man, little horns protruding from his forehead, peered over Loki's shoulder, rubbing the top of Faith's head. "There, there, Faith. It won't hurt a bit!" Azrael said, looking about as sincere as a used car salesman. 

Faith looked at the other man, as the blonde pushed her toward the dark, dank chamber. "You're going to regret this, Azrael. You really will."


	9. Chapter 09: The Escape

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters except Leilita and Faith, and I only sorta own Faith, since Bethany was pregnant at the end of Dogma... Kevin Smith owns the cool parts, I own the crummy parts...

Rated PG-13 just to be on the safe side

A/N: Sorry it's kinda short, I just figured it was a good line to end on...

= = =

Chapter 9: The Escape

Bethany paced the living room, waiting for Rufus and Serendipity to arrive, her arms folded across her chest. 

"Stop pacing. You're making me nervous," Bartleby sighed, from his seat on the couch that overlooked the street. "They'll be here, trust them."

She looked at him, the pain in her eyes shocking him. He hadn't seen such pain since...since he betrayed Loki. "My little girl is gone, Bartleby. She could be dead, for all we know."

He turned his gaze away from her pained black eyes. "She isn't dead," he insisted, even though he really didn't know. "I'd know if she was dead," he lied, "and I know she's not. Calm down." He put a hand on her arm.

Jerking away from him sharply, Bethany narrowed her dark eyes at him. "CALM DOWN?! THAT'S WHAT YOU TELL ME?! CALM DOWN?!"

"Bethany, this isn't helping," he said, softly, pulling her into his arms and hugging her, firmly. "We'll find Faith, I promise."

***

The blindfold from around Faith's eyes was removed and she blinked, disoriented, and unfamiliar with her surroundings.

"Where's my mom," she asked, tugging at the bonds which held her wrists and ankles. 

"Your mother and her companions will be here shortly," replied Loki, the blonde fallen angel, the one that had been 'almost' nice to her.

"Where did Azrael and Leilita go," she asked, trying to twist out of his grip.

Loki loosened his grip on her arms and turned her around, kneeling in front ofg her. "Look, kid, I don't want to kill you, but that's what's going to happen. Leilita is going to kill you," he said, firmly. 

"But why?" asked Faith, as she worked at unraveling the rope which held her arms behind her back.

Loki shrugged, letting down his guard. "Because you're the Last Scion." 

Faith, using all of her strength, headbutted Loki in his teeth, sending him onto his back. Freeing her arms from the rope, she bent over to untie her ankles, as Loki slowly gathered his wits about him.

Holding a hand to his lip, he spluttered, "You'll regret that, you little brat. I was the one person who might have been able to save you." As he staggered to his feet and lurched after Faith, the small girl darted under his hands and ran blindly, searching for some way out of the dark cellar.

***

When Serendipity saw Bethany standing on the porch, she didn't even recognize her. She looked so different, so haggard and aged. "Bethany."

The bereaved mother looked up at the sounding of her name to see Serendipity and Rufus approaching her. "I'm glad you made it," she murmured. "Thanks, guys."

"How've you been holding up?" Rufus asked, putting an arm around her shoulders.

"Pretty badly," she sighed, leading them into the house and shutting the door behind her. "She's all I have. I can't let my baby die."

Serendipity and Rufus shared 'looks'. "Bethany, She wouldn't let Faith die," Serendipity said, touching her shoulder, gently.

Bethany looked up, into her friend's eyes. She knew which 'She' Serendipity was referring to. "And where is SHE in all of this? I'm quite aware of the fact that THIS is all under Her control."

Rufus stepped forward. "Beth, we know Faith isn't going to die."

"How can you be so sure," she asked. "What if they try to hurt her?"

Rufus shook his head. "They won't. She'll know what to do."

= = =

TBC

Alex


	10. Chapter 10: Strength of Character

Disclaimer: I own Leilita and Faith. Kevin Smith owns all the cool characters. I hope he doesn't sue me, because all he'd get in return is this can of peas I'm holding right now.

Rated PG

A/N: I totally changed what direction I was going w/this one...and I think I like it!

More A/N: Some references to the Ambiguously Gay Duo. (No not Silent Bob and Jay!) I remember they changed the name to Ambiguo Boys, briefly, but they changed it back... Don't worry, it'll make more sense if you read the chapter. ;-)

Even more A/N: I couldn't think up a suitable chapter title... That's what happens when you stop doing 'songfics' and try to be creative and make up your own dam titles... Psssh. ^__~

= = =

Chapter 10: Strength of Character

Leilita turned her honey colored eyes on Faith. Disdain flashed across her face, and she folded her arms cross her massive brass chest plate. "You stupid little human," she sneered, watching with glee as Faith struggled against Azrael's rope bonds. "You'll pay."

"You'll never get away with it," Faith said, confidantly. "My mom will save me."

"Your mother is dead," Azrael snapped, as he finished tying the small, darkhaired girl's arms and legs. "You have nothing, and you have no one."

"That's not true," Faith cried, jabbing an elbow into Azrael's side. "I know my mom's not dead!"

Leilita approached her, slowly, her heavy cape scraping over the dirt ground. "Such a headstrong little girl," she said, addressing Azrael, over Faith's head. "It will be such a shame to blot out her existence, but you gotta do what you gotta do." She offered Faith a smile, and touched her cheek.

The young girl jerked away from Leilita, swallowing hard and tightening her lips. 'I have to be strong', she told herself. 'The Last Scion's not a wimp.' She raised her voice, slightly, so that Azrael and Leilita could hear her. "You'll see. My mom and her friends will find me. They'll save the world, again. You'll see, and then you'll be sorry you ever came back."

***

"There's an abandoned barn about five miles up the road," Bartleby stated, as he hunched over a map. He pointed to the location of the barn, beckoning his companions to move in. "It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground in 1895 and - "

"Oh fuck no," Jay cried, almost dropping his kerosene lantern. "There's no fuckin' way I'm setting foot on Indian graves! You ever seen Poltergeist?!"

Bartleby rolled his eyes. "Those things can't happen in real life, Jay. Now just focus, okay? Can you do that, ADHD boy?"

Jay frowned, but said nothing, leaning in to look at the map.

"The reason I think they picked this barn is because the Indian burial ground was also used as a site for Satanic rituals, around 1923. The people called themselves the Minion of the Dark Lord, and made ritual sacrifices on what is now the...site of the outhouse. Leilita might believe that by killing the Last Scion at the site of a Satanic sacrifice, she can bring her family back to life..."

"What a fucked up bitch," Jay mused, nudging Bob in the gut. "I'll bet one night of passionate sex with Jay'd fix her up."

"Stop that," Bethany snapped, whirling on him and jabbing her index finger into his chest. "This isn't the time for your inane little ramblings, okay? When Faith is safe, in my arms, THEN you can talk as much as you like. Until then, zip it." She turned back to the map, as Bartleby put an arm around her shoulders.

"We'll find Faith, Bethany," he said, giving her a little shake. "I've got a hunch - "

"I hope your hunch is right," she mumbled, rubbing her forehead. "If I lose my little girl... I don't know what I'd do."

***

Faith sat on the dirt ground, her ankles and wrists chafing from the rope. Her dark hair hung in thick, greasy strands, suffering from neglect, and the lack of a good shower. Loki, the blonde one, approached her, rubbing a bruise on his forehead.

"You're a tough one," he said, almost kindly, getting down on one knee before her. She didn't respond. She didn't even acknowledge that he'd spoken to her. sighing, Loki shuffled closer to her. "Faith."

She tried to move away, but fell over, unable to move her tightly bound arms and legs. "Leave me alone," she snapped, not looking at him.

"I won't hurt you."

"That's not what I'm worried about," she grumbled, allowing Loki to sit her up. "I'm worried about my mother."

Loki nodded, pulling a handkerchief out of the pocket of his jeans. "Here," he said. "I have something for you." He opened the faded kerchief and spread out the contents before her: a Swiss army knife, a package of crackers, some EZ-Wipes and some Band-Aids.

"Why are you being nice to me now?" she asked, as he opened the Swiss army knife and began cutting at the rope. "I thought you wanted me dead."

"I was foolish," he said, sounding beyond his years. "I thought Azrael and Leilita had the answers... Your little escapade in the barn kind of - so to speak - cleared my mind."

"Sorry about the head butt. Mom never liked me to watch WWF Smackdown," Faith said, timidly, rubbing her red wrists. 

Loki grinned as he pulled out a tube of Neosporin from his other pants pocket and applied it to the rope burns on her arms, and applied bandages. "We'll get you out of here, Faith," he said, managing a smile. He handed her the crackers and EZ-Wipes. "Wipe your face. You've got a little something on your chin."

Faith did as he told her, and burst into a wide grin when he handed her the Swiss army knife.

"Now, you use that wisely," he instructed her, standing her up and pulling off his jacket, dropping it on her shoulders. "Only use it if it's absolutely necessary."

"Can it kill demons," Faith asked, turning the heavy knife over in her hands. "Like Azrael and Leilita?"

Loki grinned. "You're the Last Scion. You've got the family genes working for you, kid. All you have to do is bless it and the knife will do it's job."

"So... I could bless a chicken and throw it at Azrael, and he'd die?" she asked.

Loki choked back a laugh. "Uh, yeah, technically. Azrael can't die. When his host's body dies, he is sent back to hell where Lucifer gives him some other task to fulfill." Loki put his arm around the girl and gave her a hug. "Good luck."

"Aren't you coming too?" she asked, looking up at him and taking one of his hands in hers. "I can put in a good word for you, you know."

Loki smiled down at her, sadly. "Sorry, Faith. I can't... It's kind of like baseball, you know? Three strikes and you're out?"

She nodded, solemnly, before wrapping her skinny arms around his waist and hugging him. "Thanks for helping, Loki. I'll DEFINITELY put in a good word for you now."

Faith shot him one last look before tucking the knife into a pocket in Loki's leather jacket and slipped through the heavy barn doors.

Loki sighed, sitting down in the scattered hay. 

Waiting for his judgment.

***

"I'm stuck in a car sandwiched between Ace on one side," snapped Rufus, "and Gary on the other."

"Ace?" asked Jay. "Who the fuck's Ace?"

"Haven't you ever seen Saturday Night Live? Very funny stuff," Rufus said, shifting between Jay and Silent Bob, uncomfortably, as the six of them headed for the abandoned barn. 

Bob shook his head.

"Ace and Gary? You know? The Ambiguo Boys?" Rufus said.

Bob shrugged and shook his head.

"The Ambiguously Gay Duo?" asked an exasperated Rufus.

"Who's gay?" asked Jay.

Rufus sighed. "Neveremind, brain damage. Forget I said anything."

In the front seat, Bethany removed the gold locket and chain from around her neck and flipped it open with the sliver of her index fingernail. She touched the small, smiling image of her daughter with her thumb and sighed. "Faith, don't worry. Mom's coming."

Bartleby smiled, yet didn't remove his eyes from the road. "I don't think she'll have a problem, Bethany. She's a strong girl, and wise beyond her years. I think she'll be okay."

Bethany replaced the chain around her neck and sighed. "I hope you're right."

Bartleby nodded. "I KNOW I'm right, Bethany. Just a little bit farther, and then we'll be at the old barn."

Bethany sat back in her seat, gripping her seatbelt in her hands, her knuckles white and aching. 'If anyone harms my little girl, I'll kill them', she told herself, biting on her upper lip and chewing it. 'I'd gladly take Hell to save my daughter.'

***

TBC


	11. Chapter 11: The Escape

Disclaimer: I don't own much, but I do own Leilita and Faith. Kevin Smith owns everything else.

Summary: Bethany and her crew set out to find Leilita, Loki, Azrael and Faith.

Rated PG-13 I guess.

A/N: Dammit, I lost everything in the Great Computer Plague Of 2002, including Chapter 11, so I had to rewrite it. So it might not be as good as the original was, but I remember the general idea of it.

Chapter 11: The Escape

---

Leilita narrowed her gold eyes at the fallen former angel coldly, twisting her full, bloodred lips into an ugly grimace. "You let the girl escape?" she sneered, crossing her arms over her breastplate.

"She overpowered m - "

"A small child overpowered _you_?" Leilita echoed, scornfully.

Loki nodded. "Yes, Madame, she_ did_ overpower me. She_ is_ the Last Scion." Loki masked his contempt with a smile.

"And _you_ are a fallen angel." Leilita offered him a cool smile. "Don't worry, Loki, darling."

__

Don't worry?' Loki wondered, backing away from Leilita. _That woman has the smile and the charms of a snake... There's no way in hell I'm going to trust her...'_ "What, me worry? About what?" He asked.

"What I'll do to your little friend and her mother once I find them," she finished, flashing off a toothy grin.

"They're innocents. You can't hurt - "

"That rule need not apply to_ me_, my darling Loki," Leilita said airily, with a wave of her hand, light dancing off of the massive metal bracelets on her wrist. "I am above such rules, Loki, dear. You should know that by now."

"I'm going to enjoy feeding your carcass to Cerebrus," Azrael grinned, stroking the rim of his white fedora, gloating. "I have waited for this moment for a _looong_ long time."

"I didn't do anything wrong," Loki protested, as Leilita sent her henchmen on him with the snap of her fingers. "That girl, she got my pocket knife from me! She's the Last Scion!"

Leilita blinked her long-lashed, almond shaped eyes and smiled prettily. "I'll dispose of the brat...once I dispose of you, my traitor friend."

*****

Faith ran through the wide, open corn field, clutching the pocket knife in her hand. Husks of corn loomed tall and forboding over her, and reached out and tangled in her hair. As she ran, she patted the pocket of Loki's leather jacket, feeling the reassuring bump of the package of crackers and moist toilettes.

"I have to find Mom," she panted her mantra over and over, mostly to herself. "I have to kill Azrael and Leilita."

Faith went sprawling as her foot caught a rock, and slammed her knee against the hard ground. Dust scattered, scratching her eyes, and when she reached into her pocket, crackers, along with the knife and EZ-Wipes, were gone.

Faith felt around in the dirt, but she couldn't locate Loki's pocket knife. Nor could she locate the crackers or toilettes, for they had also fallen out of her pocket.

She bit her bottom lip hard, knowing that big girls wouldn't cry in her situation, and looked for something else she could use as a weapon.

"Faith..." called a voice in the distance, "it's your mother... Where are you?!"

Faith smiled and jumped to her feet, ready to call out to her mother, and then stopped. What if it was one of Leilita's decoys? She searched through the pockets of the jacket, looking for some sort of alternate weapon.

She pulled her rosary out of the secret pocket of the jacket and wrapped it around her small hand.

"I'm here, Mommy," she called out, following the sound of her mother's voice. "Where are you?"

Bethany emerged from the corn field, her clothes tattered and her face smudged with dirt and blood. A joyful Bethany dropped to her knees and opened her arms to her daughter. "Faith, angel, I'm so happy I found you!" Her mother wrapped her in her arms, tightly, and held her against her chest. "Oh honey, I'm never letting you get away."

"I missed you too, Mommy... Let's go home." Faith clung to Bethany's waist, fingering the rosary in her hand, and silently blessing it.

As Bethany led Faith out of the corn field, Faith stopped and strained her neck.

"What's wrong, honey?" Bethany asked, holding on to her daughter's hand. "Do you hear something?"

Faith unwound her rosary from her hand, the cross dangling from her fingers. "Who are you?" she asked, firmly, holding the rosary in front of her, as if it were a shield. "Who are you?"

"Faith, honey, what are you_ talking _about?" Bethany asked, puzzled. "I'm your mother."

"No you're not. My mother never called me angel'. Do you work for Leilita?" Faith asked, narrowing her eyes at the alleged impostor.

Bethany laughed. "Honey, you must be joking, right? It's me, Mommy."

"What if you're some impostor?" Faith asked. "What if my real mom is hurt, or dead?"

"Don't be ridiculous." Bethany tried to reach for Faith, but she ducked away from her hands. "Come on, Faith, before they find us."

Faith backed away from the woman who was calling herself her mother. "You can't be my mother - "

"Faith!" Bethany screamed, pointing to something just beyond the girl's shoulder.

Azrael clamped a large hand down on Faith's shoulder, letting out an annoyed sigh. "Stupid girl," he sneered, shaking his head at her. "You opted for door two. Mistress Leilita is quite vexed you skipped out on us."

Faith hid the rosary from Azrael's view. "You can never be too careful," was her reply.

"Well, you had your chance to go to your mother. You're ours, now."

"Let her go!" Bartleby rushed up behind Bethany, tripping and falling into her, bringing her to the ground with him.

"Fools... Tsk tsk tsk," Azrael clucked his tongue. "Bumbling idiots. The girl is ours. You had your chance, she chose not to go with you." 

"No, let her go!" Bethany pulled herself to her feet and tried to grab Faith, but Azrael halted her with a hard glare.

"If you try to touch one hair on the girl's body, I kill her," he sneered. "You had your chance." The demon tightened his grip on Faith's shoulder, nearly crushing her bones in his palm. "Come with me, Faith."

Faith whirled out of Azrael's grip and pressed her cross into his forehead. "Hail Mary, full of grace! The Lord is with thee! Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen."

"STOP THAT," Azrael shrieked, brushing the rosary out of Faith's hand, "STOP THAT CHANTING!"

A reddened mark, which resembled the cross on Faith's rosary, appeared on his forehead, and the frightened demon raised a hand to the wound.

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen," Faith repeated, holding the cross in her hand. "Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen."

Azrael took a half-hearted swipe at Faith, before falling to his knees. "Y-y-you'll pay for this, you little brat," he hissed, narrowing his eyes at her. "You may destroy the container, but you'll never destroy what's inside."

Faith took a step back, reaching for her mother's hand. "Mommy, let's get out of here," she whispered, backing away from Azrael's host body.

Bethany grabbed her daughter's hand and slipped through the trees, into the night.

*****

When she spotted Loki's body, Serendipity originally assumed him to be dead. As she approached him, cautiously, with Rufus by her side, she realized he was merely unconscious.

"Loki?" she whispered, dropping to one knee beside him, touching his arm. "Loki? Can you hear me?"

Loki shifted, but did not open his eyes.

Serendipity gently shook Loki's shoulder, as Rufus looked out for Bethany, Bartleby and her daughter. "Come on, Loki... Come on..."

Loki opened one eye. "Serendipity?"

She nodded, brushing her hair out of her face as she hovered over Loki. "What happened to you? You look like...shit."

"I've fallen out of favor with Leilita and her minions," he mumbled, struggling to sit up. "She sent Azrael to find and kill Bethany and Faith..."

"Why would she _turn_ on you?" Serendipity asked, gravely, holding his hands in hers.

He sighed. "I helped Faith escape. I'm marked now."

"Then come with us and help Bethany defeat Leilita, then," Rufus insisted, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

Loki sighed again, as Serendipity helped him to his feet. "If I joined you, Bartleby would - "

Rufus scoffed. "Who gives a fuck what that dickless son of a bitch thinks? We can use all the help we can get, Loki. We all know that deep down inside, you don't want Bethany's daughter to die."

Loki nodded, having made up his mind. "Okay. Let's go."

*****

They were being chased.

Bethany dove through the wilderness, blindly, clutching Faith's wrist in her hand.

She didn't bother pausing to glance behind her, to see how close Leilita was to them. She didn't have that luxury.

Faith struggled to keep up with her mother, but her foot got tangled in a tree root and she fell to her knees.

Faith could hear Leilita's purposeful footsteps behind her, and she struggled to her feet, but it seemed as if the roots of the tree were holding her down. Try as she might, Bethany couldn't pull Faith free.

As she desparately tried to release Faith, a dark shadow fell over them.

*****

TBC?

Alex


	12. Chapter 12: Harm's Way

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I'm just playing in Kevin Smith's sand box. I swear I'll return them, no worse for the wear.  
Summary: Our band of heroes set out to rescue Bethany and Faith from Leilita's clutches.  
Rated PG-13  
A/N: I experimented with having Pamela Anderson as Azrael's new host . . . but alas, I deleted that part. HA. Um I haven't worked on this story since 2003, when my computer ate it. Needless to say, my writing style has changed immensely in the last two years, so if some of this seems kind of . . . choppy, bear with me please ;P Thanks for hanging around.

Chapter 12: Harm's Way

Loki sat in the back of the rented station wagon, squashed between Serendipity and Rufus, while Bartleby and Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber sat up in the front.

"What if we're too late?" Loki asked, quietly, as the muse nursed his wounds.

"Don't even think like that," Serendipity scolded, as she dabbed at his raw cuts with peroxide. "We'll find them, Loki."

"I feel like this is my fault," he sighed. "If I hadn't have gotten involved with Azrael in the first place, Bethany and her kid wouldn't have been put in harm's way."

"Look, it wasn't your fault," Bartleby said. "And you realized the error of your ways. We're going to find them. They'll be safe."

Loki sighed again and turned his head to gaze out the window. Snowflakes clung to the windowpanes and froze there, like icing. "I'm still afraid." When he exhaled, his breath crystallized into millions of tiny fragments of ice.

Bartleby pursed his lips but said nothing.

Loki just had to look into his friend's eyes to tell he was feeling the same way.

- - - - - - - -

Faith clung to her mother's waist, her small face buried into Bethany's sweater.

"You're never going to get her. You won't touch one hair on her head," Bethany snapped, shielding Faith's body with her own. "I won't let you."

"You've no choice, pitiful fool," Leilita hissed, her honey eyes sparking with a dangerous fire. The demon, hands on her hips, towered over Bethany and her daughter ominously, her dark shadow making her seem even larger than life. "Your brat _will_ be mine. I _will_ not fail."

Bethany got up out of her crouch. "I'll fight you to the death."

"_Your_ death, undoubtedly." Leilita offered Bethany a little smirk. "I suppose you have a death wish, human?"

Bethany swallowed and lifted her chin proudly, steeling her gaze. "I'm not afraid of you, Leilita."

Leilita clucked her tongue and shook her head, laughing, her amber eyes sparkling like twin jewels. "You will be." Leilita reached up and stroked her chin, her lips curling into a smile. "You will be."

Faith slipped her hand into the pocket of her coat and removed the rosary, running one fingertip over the beads before curling her hand around it, protectively. "That's where you're wrong, Leilita. It is you who should be afraid - of us."

The demon laughed again, and Bethany winced, the laughter sounding much like the screams of people in the throes of death. "And what can _you_ possibly do to _me_?" she asked, taking a step closer to Faith.

Faith threw the rosary around Leilita's neck, and the demon screamed, struggling to remove it from about her neck, clawing at it in a frenzied terror.

"Run, Mommy!" Faith slipped her hand into Bethany's and tugged hard, waving her hand a small point of light just beyond the tops of the trees. "To the light!"

Bethany scooped up her daughter in her arms and ran.

- - - - - - - -

Bartleby pulled up the station wagon next to the streetlight, raising a hand to his eyes, cursing when he realized he was unable to see over the foliage. "Damn it," he hissed, dropping his hand. "We'll have to go into the forest on foot." He sighed. "There's a valley just beyond."

"Leilita would really be so bold, as to kill the Last Scion and her mother in an open space?" Loki stepped up beside his friend, trying to peer beyond the tree tops.

Nodding, Bartleby said, "The valley was once the site of a Satanic meeting place. It was burned to the ground back in the 1890s by a group of marauders, who were later found dead in their beds. Leilita and her people think of it as a 'holy ground' of sorts. Where good cannot conquer evil. Where their power is the strongest."

Serendipity stepped out of the van, shrugging her hair out of her face, dusting off her outfit and cracking her knuckles. "Well, boys, I don't know about you, but I say we go in. They _must_ be there. It's the only place where Leilita's power can't be destroyed."

"Well, if their power can't be destroyed, how the _fuck _are we gonna destroy them?" Rufus asked.

"We must lure them to the forest," Bartleby said. "That's the only way we can kill her host and send Leilita back to Hell. Her minions will follow her."

"We got any weapons?" Rufus asked.

"Number one stunna right here." Jay grabbed his crotch and flicked out his tongue, earning a slap on the back of the head from his silent companion. "Ow, what the shit was _that_ for? I was bein' _serious_."

"Of course you were." Serendipity rolled her eyes and looked back at Bartleby for an answer. "Do we have _anything_ at all?"

Bartleby went to the back of the van and opened it up, pulling out a cracked earthen jug. "This."

"What the fuck's a broke ass pitcher gonna do for us?" Jay asked. "What'cha gonna do, throw it at 'em and run away like a little bitch ass girl, or something?"

"You idiot," Rufus exclaimed, his eyes alight with recognition. "This is _Holy_ water. From the Holy _Land_." He ran a hand over the cracked jug, reverent admiration dancing on his lips.

Bartleby passed the jug off to Loki and went back to the van. Pulling out a large wrought iron bow and quiver of arrows, he handed these to Serendipity, along with a packet of matches. "These were blessed by Pope Lando."

Jay began to laugh. "They named the pope after the black dude from Star Wars? That shit's fucked up, man."

Bartleby rolled his eyes. "No, you moron. Pope Lando ruled in the early 900s."

"I think they named the black dude from Star Wars after Pope Lando," Rufus quipped.

Bartleby pulled out a long, curved blade sheathed in black velvet, holding it out to Rufus. "This is the Sword of Truth." Bartleby pulled back the velvet covering to reveal the gleaming silver blade.

"Awright," Loki exclaimed, slashing the blade through the air, "I missed this!" He motioned to the others with his Sword. "Let's go kick some demon ass!"

--

TBC in another three years. Lol.


End file.
